We carry these things in secret, and the feelings attached to them. We may conceal them out of shame, fear of ridicule, criticism, or condemnation. There are shared secrets parents choose to keep from their children, rightly so; perhaps intending them to be shared when the children are older if the time feels right; or perhaps we intend some secrets never to be shared.
Sometimes, a parent will entrust a child with a secret and instruct them not to the other parent. Knowledge is power, but can also be a burden, and it's rarely justifiable to enmesh children in webs of deceit. Secrets take up a lot of energy in keeping them locked away whilst holding inside the constant fear of being discovered. Of course, we have a right to our privacy, but it's difficult when that privacy impacts on someone close to us, who may have a desire, or need, not to be kept in the dark.
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One way of resolving such dilemmas is to consider this formula when it comes to weighing up the relative merits of secrecy or disclosure. Our upbringings will vary in how our families managed secrecy and openness between family members.
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For some of us, a measure of secrecy in family life seems inevitable and only to be expected, and we are not that threatened by the possibility of some things being hidden or private. For others, secrecy is always unhealthy and seen as evidence of mistrust, so we want to live in a family where everything is out in the open. It is clear why this is such a powerful topic and there are often no simple answers.
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