Turns out vault dweller 2 was none other than James's kid! Guess who came to visit ole' Three Dog at his luxurious studio in beautiful downtown D. That's right - the other vault dweller! Okay, so I told you about James, the guy from the vault. And then I told you somebody else crawled outta there too. From here on in, it's bye-bye stupid static, hello magnificent music. So sit back, relax, and absorb these classic tunes. Because of the kid from Vault , that's how!
That gal actually managed to repair our antenna relay. How's that for ingenuity, folks? That cat actually managed to repair our antenna relay. You're in that cool radio studio in D. How do YOU know I can hear you, all the way out here in the ass end of nowhere? That's right, from Megaton to Girdershade, Paradise Falls to the Republic of Dave, we are coming to you loud and proud, in a special live report!
According to my super secrety sources, Rivet City council member and lead egghead Doctor Madison Li is personally involved. Hey, all I can tell you is the Vault kid showed up, and the scientists there started running around like their pointy heads were on fire. But none of that matters now! Father and daughter were spotted walkin' and talkin' together out there in the Wastes.
Father and son were spotted walkin' and talkin' together out there in the Wastes. What kind of dad leaves his kid in an underground bunker? Children, I just don't know. It ain't for Three Dog to judge, and you shouldn't either. You see, the kid from Vault has been looking for her dad, a very nice man named James, who left his daughter in the vault when he took off. You see, the kid from Vault has been looking for his dad, a very nice man named James, who left his son behind in the vault when he took off. Grab your hankies, children, cause I've got a heart-warming tale to tell.
It's about a little girl's search for her It's about a little boy's search for Well, boys and girls, what can I say. Looks like President Eden wasn't completely full of shit after all. Methinks we are screwed They're safe and sound now at the Citadel. No sign of the kid's father, though. Here's hoping James is okay. And, when the Man showed up, a bunch of scientists went running. With them was Rivet City's own Dr. Madison Li, and that crazy kid from Vault You heard it here first, my friends - the Enclave is on the scene. I've got reports of flying ships and shock troops in high-tech power armor.
Tinfoil hat time, children. My eyes and ears tell me the Big Bad Government has taken over that big machine thingy at the Jefferson Memorial. Good luck with that, my friend. Only thing been seen out in those parts is Yao Guai, Super Mutants, and some crazy mountain kids.
Makes perfect sense to me. The kid's had enough of the wild and wooly Wasteland, and is looking for another old vault to crawl into. The kid from Vault , aka the Wanderer, aka "That Crazy Sonnuvabitch," has been spotted poking around some caves way out west. But Three Dog, the selling of live human beings is completely fucked up! Do you know what goes on out there in the stripmall that time forgot? It's a goddamned slaver compound!
The gal from Vault was seen walking into Paradise Falls, and then walking back out with a big smile on her face. The cat from Vault was seen walking into Paradise Falls, and then walking back out with a big smile on his face. But more importantly - does it even matter worth a damn? Slavers are dead, slaves are free.
That's a win-win if you ask me, children. Did they sell her a bum slave and then refuse the refund, or was it some elaborate rescue operation? Did they sell him a bum slave and then refuse the refund, or was it some elaborate rescue operation? You heard it here first, faithful listeners. The Wanderer showed up at slaver central and bad guys started dropping left and right. The bothersome bumblebee looked suspiciously like a certain kid, from a certain vault Those scumbag Slavers way over in Paradise Falls had one big ole bee on their bonnet, and this baby knew how to sting. Look, all I'm sayin' is the Wanderer showed up, and then some slaves mysteriously escaped.
Oh, I think not The bothersome bumblebee looks suspiciously like a certain kid, from a certain vault Those scumbag Slavers way over in Paradise Falls have one big ole bee on their bonnet. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Anyway, the vertibird was headed northwest into the mountains, where I have it on good authority the Enclave has their big underground clubhouse. I mean, how willing can you be when you're encased in a block of ice? Crazy, I know, but these are crazy times we live in My deep cover super secret agents tell me a vertibird recently flew out of the mountains to the west, and the vault kid was an unwilling passenger.
Looks like the lone Wanderer has wandered himself right into the Enclave's sinister clutches. Looks like the lone Wanderer has wandered herself right into the Enclave's sinister clutches. Time for a showdown with the remaining Enclave forces at the Jefferson Memorial? You keep listening, children, and GNR will keep you posted! Now here's the bad news. Unfortunately, the little bitch from Vault managed to crawl out before the place went kaboom. Unfortunately, the little prick from Vault managed to crawl out before the place went kaboom.
And if that weren't good enough news, word is our old friend from Vault made it out of there in one piece. Sure enough, the Enclave radio station is officially offline. Hell, check for yourself if you don't' believe me! The Enclave's not-so-secret base way up in the northwest just went kablooey! And I have reports, damn good ones, that Eden didn't make it out alive! I'm coming to you live with a special report! Ding, dong, the sanctimonious, self-righteous, self-proclaimed Presidential asshole is dead! The Vault kid from hell is now in cahoots with the devil himself.
She was seen not too long ago walking away from the Enclave's not-so-secret base way out to the northwest. He was seen not too long ago walking away from the Enclave's not-so-secret base way out to the northwest. We haven't heard squat about the little bitch from Vault for two weeks, and hoped to God someone finally put a bullet in her brain. We haven't heard squat about the little prick from Vault for two weeks, and hoped to God someone finally put a bullet in his brain.
Well buck up, pilgrims! Our friend is alive and well, and has managed to slip through the Enclave's clutches and escape their fortified base! We haven't heard squat about our old pal from Vault for two weeks now, and it's been looking pretty grim. Somethin' about Super Mutants takin' residents prisoner All I know is the kid could have helped, and didn't.
Now, I've got new reports from the settlement known as Bigtown that Little Miss Vault Gal has helped them out with one hell of a mess. Now, I've got new reports from the settlement known as Bigtown that Mister Vault Guy has helped them out with one hell of a mess. So let's recount - our old friend shows up, weird shit happens, but in the end she saves the day.
Yeah, that sounds about right. So let's recount - our old friend shows up, weird shit happens, but in the end he saves the day. In any event, the super silly situation's been dealt with, Canterbury Commons is safe, and is the woman of the hour. In any event, the super silly situation's been dealt with, Canterbury Commons is safe, and is the man of the hour. From who, you ask?
A couple of self-obsessed super psychos called Hey, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. A big 'thank you' goes out to the mysterious traveler from Vault , for saving the little town of Canterbury Commons. The kid from Vault had a big hand in getting this thing written, and her research methods suck. There, I said it. The kid from Vault had a big hand in getting this thing written, and his research methods suck. Public Service Warning, children! Watch out for a book claiming to be a "Wasteland Survival Guide! Survive, Thrive, and Revive, that's the name of the game.
The book is the Wasteland Survival Guide! Pick up your copy today! Now, let me tell ya. This thing's got all sorts of useful tips. Where to find food, how to deal with radiation, tons o' stuff. Oh, and, get this - researched and co-authored by none other than - yep, you guessed it - that tenacious teenager from Vault Know what I've decided, children?
I'm gonna start a bookclub. Good, cause you got no choice! Oh, you heard me right! You see, not only did Miss Vault stop the Ant problem, she also found little Bryan Wilks a new home. You see, not only did Mister Vault stop the Ant problem, he also found little Bryan Wilks a new home. Bryan, sadly, was the sole survivor. That's where the kid from Vault comes in, and where our story, thankfully, gets better. So for the love of God, if someone is in the vicinity of Grayditch, could you please give the kid a Nuka-Cola, a Salisbury steak, something?
Good God, , have you no conscience? You left the kid to rot in that fallout shelter. You see, Miss Vault may have stopped the Ant problem, but she couldn't be bothered to help poor little Bryan. You see, Mister Vault may have stopped the Ant problem, but he couldn't be bothered to help poor little Bryan. That's where the kid from Vault comes in, and where our story, unfortunately, gets even worse. You see, Bryan's from Grayditch, a small settlement that was recently overrun with overzealous Giant Ants. Hey, wouldn't you know it, the lone Wanderer is done collecting bottles of soda.
Christ, talk about your slow news days I've also heard it tastes like Radscorpion shit and turns your piss blue. Or does it taste like Radscorpion piss and turn your shit blue? God knows why, but the kid from Vault is scouring the Capital Wasteland for a unique brand of Nuka-Cola. You see, they worked together to completely wipe out a group of noble, slavery-hating abolitionists at a place called the Temple of the Union. Well you're in luck! Human bondage is here to stay, folks, thanks to that asshole from Vault and his Slaver amigos.
Are you sick enough to think slavery is the best thing to happen to the Capital Wasteland since broiled Mirelurk Cakes? Are you a worthless piece of human trash who'd like nothing better than to own another human being? If you happen to make it down to the Mall, you just may notice that a previously decapitated statue has had an unexpected reunion Slavers of the Capital Wasteland, consider this the big "fuck you" you've had coming since starting this scurrilous skin trade.
So if you're a slave on the run, the time for lying low is long gone. Head to the Temple of the Union and keep your head held high. Is the tide finally turning for those scumbag Slavers? Lordy knows it's been open season on defenseless settlers long enough. Looks like our friend from Vault has turned amateur abolitionist, lending a hand to the folks at the Temple of the Union.
I'd ask the kid from , but I hear she's busy oogling some newly obtained piece of shiny Commonwealth technology. Quite a coinc of dink, that I'd ask the kid from , but I hear he's busy oogling some newly obtained piece of shiny Commonwealth technology. A case of unrequited middle-aged romance, or some kind of spontaneously beneficial business arrangement?
Weird thing is, trusted Rivet City resident and head of security Harkness has abandoned his life here in the Capital Wasteland Looks like Rivet City's latest visitor, a certain Zimmer from the scientifically superior Commonwealth, has finally packed his bags and headed home.
Could this have something to do with Miss Vault playing junior gumshoe lately, interrogating everyone about a fugitive from the Commonwealth?
Could this have something to do with Mister Vault playing junior gumshoe lately, interrogating everyone about a fugitive from the Commonwealth? Trouble, oh we got trouble, right here in Rivet City! Looks like trusted resident and head of security Harkness has unexpectedly flown the coop. Arefu is quiet once more, thanks to the efforts of the lone wanderer So what happened down there in the stinking, slinking subway tunnels? Friendly chit-chat, or a classic case of shotgun diplomacy?
The cherry on top? She emerged a short time later with a lad named Ian West, who, presumably, had been taken captive in the latest raid. He emerged a short time later with a lad named Ian West, who, presumably, had been taken captive in the latest raid. Little Miss Vault was spotted over in Arefu, where the settlement has been hit pretty hard lately by a marauding gang of riotous ruffians. Mister Vault was spotted over in Arefu, where the settlement has been hit pretty hard lately by a marauding gang of riotous ruffians.
You heard it here first, children. Reports are, this smells like burning Hey, nice work Next time you're in the neighborhood, pop into the studio. Ole Three Dog's toaster's been on the fritz The town's sheriff, one Lucas Simms, commissioned the one, the only lone wanderer from Vault to disarm the nasty nuke, and the kid delivered. Got some great news out of the town of Megaton. Turns out that live atomic bomb in the town's center has finally been deep-sixed for good. But just who did the dirty deed? Ask yourself this why has the kid from Vault been sighted hanging around Tenpenny Tower?
Word is that twisted old land grabber Allistair Penny, founder of the posh Tenpenny Tower, has been looking to secure that spot for years. It's been no secret that the pre-war nuke in the center of town had a live atomic core, and under the wrong conditions, could still go kaboom. GNR sources have confirmed that the mushroom cloud seen in the vicinity of Megaton was in fact Yep, you guessed it none other than the kid from Vault You see, those hapless, homeless irradiated rejects have all been brutally slaughtered in their temporary digs in the tunnels of Warrington Station.
Hey, remember those down-on-their-luck Ghouls who wanted to share the luxury accommodations at the fancy shmancy Tenpenny Tower?
Oh, and kiddo from Vault ? You look like a complete freakshow in that mask. Hey, somebody had to say it Looks like they finally got their upscale address! And all it took was the wholesale slaughter of every other Tenpenny resident! Maybe I'll just ask around Underworld, hmmm? Cause a little irradiated birdy told me you've been spending some serious time down in Ghoulville Looks like that loony lass from Vault 's been busy lately, this time systematically executing some of the Wasteland's most colorful characters.
Looks like that loony lad from Vault 's been busy lately, this time systematically executing some of the Wasteland's most colorful characters. The time of British oppression is finally over! Now we can finally turn our attention to the Super Mutants, Raiders, and Radscorpions The kid has recovered one of this country's most important historical artifacts the Declaration of Independence. The mistress of adventure herself, that rough and tumble lass from Vault , has really outdone herself this time. The master of adventure himself, that rough and tumble lad from Vault , has really outdone himself this time.
Don't let that revolving door hit you on the ass on the way out Who says you can't go home again, huh? The kid from Vault did, but it looks like the prodigal daughter's return didn't last all that long. The kid from Vault did, but it looks like the prodigal son's return didn't last all that long. Agatha, we love ya. You've helped make the Capital Wasteland a better place.
Hats off, my friend. Here's the best part. The violin was for an old woman named Agatha, who has taken to the airwaves herself to share some truly beautiful music. Oh, but not just any ole violin, children We're talking Stradivarius here. That's one top o' the line fiddle, you dig? My contacts report that he recently went on a highly dangerous excursion to recover -drum roll please - a violin. Now, the Lone Wanderer, aka "that kid from Vault ," has done some pretty interesting things, but this one takes the cake.
Oh, and Vault kid? I know you were seen in the vicinity. I hope to God you had nothing to do with this carnage. Sorry for your losses, Reilly It would seem that a brave soldier named Theo was lost in the line of duty I've gotten word that a band of mercs called Reilly's Rangers were trapped on a DC rooftop, pinned down by Super Mutants. So believe me when I tell you that I was wrong.
I've always given it to you straight, have I not? For good or ill, Galaxy News Radio has been the voice of truth on these airwaves. The good ole U. I had pretty much written us all off. But that was before a certain kid from Vault It's time for Three Dog to be honest with ya. Here it is, plain as day - I used to think we were all well and truly fucked. Kid from the vault, if you're listening, I want you to know that you are, truly, a Paradigm of Humanity.
Keep on fighting, girl! Keep on fighting, man! I'm talkin' about the kid from Vault Just 19, and this babe has been in some serious shit. And there ain't no sign o' stoppin'!
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Just 19, and this cat has been in some serious shit. One of the most powerful individuals in the Capital Wasteland? You bet your bobby socks, Susie. Because that kid from Vault is the worst thing to happen to our neighborhood since radiation sickness. And lo, the girl did step forth from her shadowy hole, and proclaim herself Scourge of Humanity. Is there a God, and if so, does he give a shit about the rest of us?
I was skeptical, but that was before a certain Saint from Vault I don't know how she's even still alive, but I've got an update on the kid from Vault I swear, she must be Super-Human or somethin' I don't know how he's even still alive, but I've got an update on the kid from Vault I swear, he must be Super-Human or somethin' I have a new theory.
Vault is actually Hell. I mean, that kid we all know and hate is Evil Incarnate, right? Hey, out on that ridge! Here's an update on Vault 's homegrown messiah. She came from Vault Or simple Wasteland Watcher? Here's an update on that kid from the hole He came from Vault Just when you thought it was crazy enough out there Here's an update on the kid from Vault who fancies herself the Wasteland Destroyer. Here's an update on the kid from Vault who fancies himself the Wasteland Destroyer.
I just love that vault girl! Hole-dweller one day, Paragon of all that is good and right in the world the next. And, she's been busy I just love that vault boy! And, he's been busy Ah, the kid from Vault She hurts, she helps, she does whatever she damn well pleases. Sometimes just a watcher You've seen her out there, haven't you, wandering the D. The latest on Vault 's very own Strider of the Wastes. You've seen him out there, haven't you, wandering the D. You think all that shit between the Super Mutants and Brotherhood is bad? Here's the latest on the Harbinger of War himself, that kid from Vault Here's the latest on the Harbinger of War herself, that kid from Vault Yeah, you guessed it - time for another update on the Villain of the Wastes herself, that evil little bitch from Vault Yeah, you guessed it - time for another update on the Villain of the Wastes himself, that evil little bastard from Vault The Urban Legend is real, children!
She's real, and she's out there, everyday, helping poor shlubs like you. The latest and greatest. He's real, and he's out there, everyday, helping poor shlubs like you. Da da dum dum, da da da dum dum! This just in The kid from Vault is not just an Urban Myth! Oh, she's real all right. Oh, he's real all right. You don't want to believe it, I know. That kid from Vault , he can't be real. He's just some creepy Urban Superstition, right?
That kid from Vault , she can't be real. She's just some creepy Urban Superstition, right? Leave 'em all behind. The kid from Vault did, so why can't you? The latest on our own Ambassador of Peace. That's the story of the cat from Vault Here's the latest on the very Pinnacle of Survival. Want peace and quiet? Good luck with that, kids. The name of the game is chaos, thanks to Vault 's own Harbinger of War. And now an update on everyone's favorite hero from a hole, a gal I feel really comfortable calling - drum roll please - the Vault Legend!
And now an update on everyone's favorite hero from a hole, a guy I feel really comfortable calling - drum roll please - the Vault Legend! And now, a little story. A story about a boy who climbed out of a hole. I'm talkin' about that Vault Descendent, of course. A story about a girl who climbed out of a hole. Time again, my children, for chills and thrills, fears and scares. Do you know what that creepy Vault Boogeyman has been up to? A Paladin walks among us, children. And no, this ain't one of our buddies from the Brotherhood.
I'm talking about that knight in shining vault suit. Now, an update on a certain crazy dude from Vault Let's call him the Keeper. The Keeper of promises, of secrets, of his own destiny. Now, an update on a certain crazy chick from Vault Let's call her the Keeper. The Keeper of promises, of secrets, of her own destiny.
I know, I know, you want the skinny on Miss Vault Well here's a news flash - that merciless fucking Defiler is still out there, all right? I know, I know, you want the skinny on Mister Vault It's that time again, kids! Seriously, how can you not dig this gal? Seriously, how can you not dig this guy? That's today's lesson, taught by our own Capital Councilor.
Maybe that vault door leads to Switzerland? Anyway, she's at it again. Anyway, he's at it again. Now more on the kid from Vault , living a life of unrepentant vice and violence. Jesus, he's like some kind of, of Jesus, she's like some kind of, of Hey, our friend from Vault is at it again.
A true Exemplar, showing us all the true meaning of love, compassion, and all that other crap. Now more on the kid from Vault , keeping that moral compass firmly grounded in gray. More like neutral Observer at this point. Anything new with that rancorous little Ne'er-do-well from Vault ? And now an update on our very own Urban Defender. Did she leave that vault just to help us?
We owe her either way. Did he leave that vault just to help us? We owe him either way. Grow up in a hole, confined and bored? You, too, can be an Urban Ranger! And now, the latest on the kid from Vault Man, am I getting sick of this little punk. From innocent vault kid to sicko Urban Invader. Now the latest on everyone's favorite runt from Vault She's out there serving as our Protector, so show the kid some respect.
He's out there serving as our Protector, so show the kid some respect. So whatever happened to that kid from Vault ? Man, that girl has turned into one hard-edged Wasteland Mercenary. Man, that cat has turned into one hard-edged Wasteland Mercenary. You know what a Reaver is? It's a killer, a liar, a monster. In other words, it's that bastard from Vault In other words, it's that bitch from Vault Our old friend from Vault is - get this - still alive!
Guess there is a God. Here's your update on the Ranger of the Wastes. Got some news for you kiddies. Looks like that chick from Vault is still kicking. And now, a friendly update on the Vagabond of the Wastes. Looks like that dude from Vault is still kicking. Lock your damn doors.
The Pirate of the Wastes is out there, wreaking havoc, wrecking lives. You know her, you hate her. How could you not? She's the malignant Marauder who oozed out of Vault You'll never guess what she's up to now. You know him, you hate him. He's the malignant Marauder who oozed out of Vault You'll never guess what he's up to now. I've got the skinny on the Capital Wasteland's newest, noblest Dignitary, that charming cat from Vault I've got the skinny on the Capital Wasteland's newest Citizen.
Of course you are. All right, faithful listeners, I know what you really want to know. What's that nasty Fatcat up to? Sharpening his claws, I bet Sharpening her claws, I bet Now, let's check out the latest on everyone's darling Defender, giving evil the one-two punch out there in the wooly Wasteland.
So what's everyone's favorite Sentinel been up to? Here's the latest on that sweet kid from Vault And now the latest on that enigmatic Vault Martyr, who only recently stepped out of Vault and into our hearts. And now the latest on that enigmatic Vault Renegade, who only recently stepped out of Vault and into our lives. And now the latest on that enigmatic Vault Outlaw, who only recently stepped out of Vault and into our nightmares.
Those Feral Ghouls that prefer the dark, dank underground? They ARE basically mindless zombies. So kill as many as you damn well please. So please, if you meet one of the Capital Wasteland's many Ghouls, leave your prejudice at the door an your pistol in its holster.
Sure, they may look like hideous zombies from an old monster flick, but their hearts, their souls, their tears are all very much human. You see, children, Ghouls are simply humans who've been exposed to an ungodly amount of radiation and haven't had the good fortune to die. So run, hide or fight if you've got the balls and the guns. But for God's sake, don't go wavin' the white flag. They'll just strangle you with it. Raiders can't be bargained or reasoned with, and there ain't no use surrenderin', cause they'll just shoot you anyway. When these psychos come to play, they have one thing on their minds making your life as fucking miserable as humanly possible.
Remember, children, when the Raiders come, there ain't no shame in locking your doors, barricading the windows, and cowering under the nearest bed. According to most of our reports on the Super Mutants, they actually prefer capturing their victims and hauling them off to God-knows-where.
You see, children, the Frankensteins might violently and horrifically rip you to shreds but only if you're lucky. For all you guys and gals tempted by the thought of scavving in the downtown D. Listen kiddos, never forget the importance of periodic weapon maintenance. Rifle, pistol, police baton I don't care which. If you do need to head into the heat, be smart give yourself a nice boost of RadX first. Remember, only you can prevent human flesh fires. Keep your eyes on those geiger counters, kids. Tick, tick, tickety means run your ass outta there, and then pop some RadAway for good measure.
We all know the dangers of radiation, but with the right precautions, you CAN prevent accidental death or even eewww ghoulification. Now, get that sucker over to the Washington Monument pronto and I'll get to singing your praises! No use hanging around the station. Get the dish to the top of the Washington Monument as soon as possible.
So, you ready to make a deal? Or are you just trying to get another look at my strikingly handsome face? The look on your face says it all. You're wondering who the heck this guy is and why you should care. Well, prepare to be enlightened. I am Three Dog -- jockey of discs and teller of truths. Lord and master over the finest radio station to grace the Wastes -- Galaxy News Radio. I know who you are. Heard about you leavin' that Vault, travelin' the unknown.
Just like dear old Dad, hmm? Wow kid, you look like you've got ten pounds of worry stuffed into a five pound box. Why don't you take a load off and tell me about it. Hell, one character actually name-drops the Y2K concept at one point to let the audience know just how much of a threat AI Will is. Everything AI Will does, and I mean everything, whether it be clever stock trading or helping fix up a run-down old town or developing renewable energy sources or furthering nanotechnology, is constantly portrayed with a sense of dread. Unlike other films of this type, and apparently the upcoming The Wind Rises , this is not a balanced portrayal.
It never allows itself a moment to just show off the new technology in a positive light, it all has to be cloaked in this envelope of dread and fear for what will happen. You know, the ones who kill, kidnap and torture people, blow up buildings and speak near-permanently in soliloquies about how technology is going too far and is a total always-unspecified threat to everything. It is maddening, absolutely maddening, to have to sit through a film in that still insists that women and their emotions are volatile things and that men are the only sane force in the entire film.
They are blank slates, not people, their entire character is their cause, the rhetoric they spout in support of their cause and their youth. Fact of the matter, though, is I would not be fixating so much on these message issues if the actual film housing these messages was in any way interesting or well-made or less ponderously self-serious about everything. Well, I mean, my A slew of likeable actors who otherwise should know better line-up to collect paycheques and nothing more, giving barely passable performances with the lone exception being Johnny Depp who is awful.
He just does not seem to give one single crap at any point during this, constantly mumbling and staring off into space and seeming completely disinterested throughout.
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The scale is preposterously tiny with literally nobody outside of maybe 10 people being at all concerned or at all aware of the evil sounding self-aware AI that may or may not be building up an army. You could have made something great out of Transcendence. A tight-knit relationship drama about coping with loss. A satire about how dependent we are on advancing technology. I felt insulted as I left the cinema, feeling like I had both had my time wasted and my intelligence stamped all over.
Callum Petch has cloned a human being, it is now a member of his band. My continuing quest to absorb all of the animation as it happens is one often fraught with feelings of despair and sadness. And that bums me out. Khumba , the second effort from South African production company Triggerfish Animation previous of Zambesia , does not have that problem. Our story follows Khumba Jake T. Austin , a zebra born with only half of his stripes much to the mockery of the rest of his herd. One day, he meets a mantis who draws him a map that leads to a supposedly mystical water hole that may give him the rest of his stripes.
Tired of being different and spurred into action by the passing of his sick mother, Khumba ventures out into the wild, gaining two travel companions, a wildebeest named Mama V Loretta Devine and an ostrich named Bradley Richard E. Grant , being pursued by an opportunistic leopard named Phango Liam Neeson and leaving the herd to decide on their future when the water runs dry.
It sounds messy and overstuffed needless to say, Khumba and co. The film is very clear as to who we need to invest emotionally with and I prefer this approach to the kind of mess Escape From Planet Earth had where it tried to put stories and character arcs and the like to all of its characters in its 80 minutes and came off rushing things as a result. Chief among those not very good is Jake T. Austin as Khumba, he does seem to be interested in proceedings but his line readings are the definition of stilted.
Fairing much better is Richard E. Plus, littering about the film are professional voice actors in several of those supporting roles, like Charlie Adler as the leader of some Rock Rabbits and Dee Bradley Baker as a doting Meerkat father, which pleases me, a staunch supporter of giving professional VAs large-ish roles in animated movies, to no end. The score backing this thing, by the way, is actually really rather interesting. It does operate predominately in the same way that American-made animated films soundtrack proceedings, lots of orchestral bombast during action sequences and light bouncy music for most everything else, but it also infuses it with elements of traditional South African and country road-trip music.
See, enthusiasm and heart can only take you so far and Khumba has three key issues that keep it from being worth your time. The first of which is the quality of its animation. Character designs for the different species are nice and distinct, even rather good in some cases a recurring wild dog voiced by Steve Buscemi in particular has a tiny stature, specific wide eyes, mangy quality to his overall being and yet is still rather cute in his own way , but individual character designs are neither of those things. This is used as the basis for a joke with a gang of Springbok, but that only serves to call attention to the problem, not explain it away.
Lighting and shading lack detail as does pretty much everything else in the film a brief section set on a dusty plain during high winds just looks like an Instagram filter has been overlaid on the action. Movement switches between unnaturally fluid and noticeably jerky between shots, the one constant being that all actions take a few frames less to perform than they should do which creates a disconcertingly fake and cheap feel.
Bradley gets a sudden musical number the only instance of one throughout the whole film so it does awkwardly stick out but his accompanying dancing is too restrained, too hemmed in and so the whole thing feels awkward. Meanwhile, chroma-keying the act of animating characters separate from the backgrounds and then digitally adding them in later is very noticeable and disappointingly frequent. Then work around that, find an exploitative loophole. You can use that bending of reality to your advantage if you do it well enough.
But there are just a surplus of rookie mistakes littering the animation and it exposes the whole enterprise as cheap. The inexperience similarly shows in a screenplay that liberally borrows from other, often resoundingly better animated films. The issue is that the non-cribbed material is not particularly engaging and the execution of the borrowed material never quite works, it hits those points without getting why they work.
Khumba wants to use its borrowed material to help boost its own story but it only serves to highlight how… middling its own story is. The story beats are rote and uninspired, failing to put any new twists on them to justify their being trotted out for the hundred-millionth time. Again, none of this is to a lack of trying, but it means the film never rises above its pastiche of references to stand up with its own identity besides the enthusiasm.
One last issue is down to pacing. Khumba is the perfect length, it never drags and it never charges through things at MPH. The issue is that the action on screen never seems to get out of first gear. Action scenes are too gentle, too slovenly, there are no stakes and no danger because nothing feels deadly or intimidating because nothing particularly seems to happen in them. The animation too stiff, the camerawork too static, the music remains sedentary. Almost every action scene is like this and it kills a lot of investment because these characters are clearly not in any danger so why should I worry about what happens to them?
It bums me out to have to type this review, it truly does. See, ripping apart a soulless bad movie is easy: Hopefully, Triggerfish Animation use this as a learning experience and come back with something better next time because there is clearly potential and love coming from that studio and it saddens me to see inexperience sink that.
We also have time to discuss Under the Skin, Tropic Thunder, and Snowpiercer once more, as well as trying to figure out why hard-rated action films appear to by a dying breed. Second verse same as the first, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 makes all of the exact same mistakes the original did, burying the nugget of a great film deeper and deeper the longer it goes on for. Did you see The Amazing Spider-Man from ? This film is one of that kind. I am not kidding, this film makes the exact same mistakes as the first one did with the exact same potential of a great movie permanently bubbling underneath the near-endless mess of bad ideas or poor executions or bad ideas with poor executions.
Ladies, gentlemen and others, this was maddening to sit through. In fact, in lieu of a traditional review, I am going to dedicate my time and your time to a couple of case study examples as to how this film fails, in order to fully impress upon you, the reader, the way in which The Amazing Spider-Man 2 spends upwards of two hours taking a giant extended piss on its potential. No, there will be no spoilers, nothing more than the trailers have shown off, but I feel that this is a far more productive usage of our time.
This film and its predecessor will be used by future, more intelligent generations who are less distracted by flashy and actually rather OK, all things considered, filmmaking as the basis of an entire class in film school on what not to do. I am all for this, it adds a nice measure of moral ambiguity to proceedings and a level of depth and maturity to the superhero medium in general; not every villain is evil for the sake of being evil, after all. You can find enough spins on that formula. The problem is that the films never ever follow through with it. In fact, sod it, this paragraph is going to spoil The Dark Knight.
He still has the same goal, to clean up the streets of Gotham and wipe out corruption in the GCPD, but his methods are now harsher. The point is that he has snapped mentally and now no longer cares about working within the law to get his goals. Contrast this with Max Dillon.
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When he starts the film, he is a weak loner. He has an important job at Oscorp but he is constantly pushed around and harassed and put-upon by the world because he basically lets it. He has no backbone, no social skills and no life outside of his work and this makes him miserable, even emotionally disturbed. He just wants someone to notice him. This gives Max a reason to live and a reason for us to care about him, even if he becomes hopelessly obsessed with the man.
Pity the film is only an hour in by this point. This would have been majorly disappointing… had the film actually handled any of this well to begin with, because they play pre-accident Max for laughs. It undercuts the emotional groundwork and comes off as mean-spirited, overall. Because his theme is dubstep. Harry Osborn gets a better treatment on the whole Tragic Villain angle but the film falls down by again just not committing to keeping his goals sympathetic and relatable to the end.
Him and Peter Parker Andrew Garfield, still deserving of so much better used to be childhood friends because everybody is connected to everyone for cheap and easy drama in amateurishly written scripts. That last part would be fine… except that it involves him turning straight crazy evil so that we can have a two-part action finale. The failure of the Tragic Villain plotlines, the same reason it failed in the first film with Curt Connors and his sudden obsession with creating an army of lizard men, is twofold.
Do you want to know why the Marvel Cinematic Universe get away with doing things the way they do? I could hop off after pretty much any of MCU entries with the sense of completion. That is why Iron Man is allowed to end the way it did, that is why The Avengers was allowed to end the way it did, that is why Thor: The Dark World and Captain America: The Winter Soldier are allowed to end the way they do. Some had some plot threads hanging, others blatant sequel teases but all felt complete because everything important is wrapped up and all character arcs have concluded.
Much like its predecessor, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 does not do that. In fact, despite running over two hours and even having a clear stopping point ten minutes before the end even if, yes, it still would have failed to wrap up several big plot threads and character arcs so I would still be having this rant anyway , it actually has the gall to not have an ending.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 stops. Just a whole bunch of clumsily handled foreshadowing and set-up work for the endless sequel parade to possibly payoff down the line in the future maybe who knows? The point of a film ending is that it is supposed to have told all of the story it needed and wanted to tell but such a thing is clearly not the case for ASM2. Speaking of, Peter Parker is a boring dick. And the stuff with Gwen Stacey Emma Stone, deserves better. Oh, Maker, how I hate all of the material with him and Gwen Stacey. Good, fine, you can do stuff with this. You can do good, non-crappy stuff with this.
Except this manifests as Peter being a dick to her at all times but his love for her leads to him stalking her again , putting her in danger again and begging her to give up her own wants so that they can be together happily again. Credit to Stone and Garfield, they have excellent chemistry, but the material is awful. Those are just a few of the major problems with The Amazing Spider-Man 2 that were also present in the original well, admittedly, the original at least had the decency to attempt to come up with an ending. This a bad film.
It is a bad, bad film. But it is going to make hundreds of millions of dollars and we are going to be up to our eyeballs in sequels for however long the shared-universe superhero bubble manages to avoid bursting. And it will do so because it is not a badly made film. The surface level sheen is great. The performances are mostly great Dane DeHaan still makes time to put in excellent work even as he seems to be voluntarily flushing his career down the toilet between this and Metallica: More importantly, there is still the spark of a great movie and a great franchise in here.
No matter how badly the series so far has tried to snuff them out, there are still nuggets of potential littering The Amazing Spider-Man 2. This could be a fantastic superhero movie in a fantastic superhero franchise but it, like its predecessor, keeps making all the wrong moves at the worst times and in the crappiest possible manner whilst, all the while, never openly sucking. This is not an outwardly and plainly bad movie; its badness simmers underneath beneath a protective sheen of great performances and well-made filmmaking, but still ruining everything.
I should do, it is terrible, but that potential is still there and I am adamant that if people who actually knew what they were doing were given creative control, this series would learn from its mistakes and subsequently realise that potential. Consider this a staying of execution, then. I am prepared to give The Amazing Spider-Man franchise one more chance to realise that potential and learn from its mistakes.
In the meantime and nevertheless, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is a bad film. You should not go and see it. Callum Petch run on the track like Jesse Owens, broke the record flowing without any knowing. Divergent is two hours and twenty three minutes. You will feel every last second. You know what I miss? And I mean proper endings. Ones where everything is tied up, all of the characters have completed their respective arcs and everyone is in a new status-quo that has a clear direction for the future.
Yeah, sure, you can leave some things open if you want that sequel tease or you could go the ambiguous route but the important part is that there is a sense of finality to proceedings. They have stopping points. Hollywood and literature have finally found a formula that enables them to print money.
Our story, then; which, by the way, and as an added insult, takes two hours and twenty-three minutes to tell and does it ever feel like it. It is the unspecified post-apocalyptic future because there is no other kind of future and Chicago thrives among the ruins thanks to a strict faction-based system. No, the high school parallels are not better hidden than that.
Is there somebody ruling over them? Forced to hide her true identity, she joins up with the Dauntless and begins her training as one of them whilst the audience waits for something to happen that justifies this being a story worth their time. Yes, I do believe you have a question, feel free to ask it! As you may have gathered, this world makes no sense. Look, I am willing to give films dramatic leeway when it comes to constructing worlds. I will put my suspension of disbelief on the line for a lot of things need I remind you of Need For Speed , but there comes a point where I am going to feel insulted by just how much suspension of disbelief I need to enjoy a movie.
This is a film that is two and twenty-three minutes and you had better believe that I felt every single one of those minutes pass by me. Fact of the matter is, there is no narrative propulsion to this film. I mean that I literally had no idea, for a good 90 minutes after Tris joins up with the Dauntless, what the film was supposed to be building towards. Nothing happens, nothing adequately threatens Tris, in all honesty when you think about it… she just trains. And she falls in love with, and I would like to give you a second to adequately prepare yourself here because I am about to impart to you the stupidest name for a love interest in a film supposedly grounded in some kind of reality of all-time, a boy called Four Theo James who you may recognise as That Dick James from The Inbetweeners Movie , and vice versa, by virtue of him literally being the only guy who is not a complete and total dick to her at some point.
Other than those two things, nothing happens until the final 20 minutes. I appreciate a film taking the time out to craft its characters, flesh out its supporting cast so that, when they inevitably bite the bullet for pathos, I actually feel something instead of a burning desire to hold in my urge to go to the bathroom. None of them are interesting, few are particularly likeable and not a single one of them manages to adequately justify spending nearly two hours in their company whilst waiting for the plot to start.
An infinitely, infinitely better version of this film could have cut an hour out. Do you know what would happen, though? Things would happen on-screen! Character arcs would actually be completed instead of hanging unresolved, plot threads would have some closure and the whole enterprise would have accomplished something besides wasting two hours and twenty-three minutes of my preciously short life. In all fairness, there is some decent stuff here buried under the stupidity and the snail pacing. Shailene Woodley who, gods-frakkin-dammit, deserves better than this proves to be an ably capable lead actress who could be the more homely Jennifer Lawrence if the script was willing to help her because Woodley is trying really, really hard to make this tripe work.
Theo James can smoulder with the best of them, as it turns out, and he too seems more than willing to make this whole venture work if the script would meet him halfway. Maggie Q gets a couple of monologues that prove that her time spent on Nikita really strengthened up her dramatic chops. Sam Worthington Jai Courtney sorry, sorry, I legitimately kept mistaking him for Worthington throughout the film actually turns in a great performance for once in his miserable career as a complete and total arsehole.
Miles Teller does similarly great work in a similarly thankless role.
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There are some cool looking mind-space sequences that, admittedly, have been done way better by pretty much every other film ever made that attempts to tackle that subject but, and this is important, stuff happens in them. They also feature some nice camera tricks and transitions that actually managed to cause my brain to switch back on and take focus for a short while at a time.
Well, until guns come into play in the final 20 minutes and the film desperately attempts to save its 12a rating by becoming a visual mess. Unfortunately, the film we have is both bloated and anaemic; way too long and lacking in content to sustain that run-time. A slog in all senses of the word. Maybe the book is better.
My enjoyment of a film should not be predicated on my residual love for the source material. It should stand up in its right and be enjoyable on its own terms; a different way to experience the story, not a substitute for it. Callum Petch looked into your eyes and his world came tumbling down. Back at the Failed Critics end of year podcast, we all made our case for the film we were all most looking forward to in My fellow critics chose shrewdly, perhaps projecting their my refined cinematic tastes to better educate our listenership.
I however prefer to stick with dead-certs. I take comfort in knowing precisely what gets my blood-pumping, what really unleashes my inner-child as only a good movie experience can stimulate see my film of the year review for Dredd , as an example. Our editor-in-chief at Failed Critics, Mr James Diamond made an excellent point during our most recent podcast, that Hollywood has not always treated comic book material with the respect it deserves, however the Superhero movies of the last 10 years have been made by people who grew up reading and idolising the source material and the results really show.
Godzilla I truly hope will be the same. When Roland Emmerich completed work on the Hollywood incarnation of Godzilla , I met it with optimism initially. As I cast my mind back as an excited teenager at the time, it featured a fairly mouth-watering sneak-preview a good 12 months before it was even released click here. Unfortunately the movie was everything wrong with American remakes and the Godzilla mythology was utterly disregarded by Emmerich, save for retaining the original Godzilla roar being the only homage paid to the Toho original.
The pain lasts long in the memory for fans of the Japanese work and so we can be forgiven for being tentative about committing to the new American vision for Godzilla. The film is getting a Godzilla geek but with a Hollywood budget to hopefully create something very special and I for one am very excited. That was all the reassurance I needed to know this film will deliver on a massive scale! You should get excited because this will not be like the 1st American effort, or even the majority of the cheesey Japanese ones.
This is the spiritual successor to the original. There will be few lights at the end of even fewer tunnels, people will experience pain and suffering and it will be all in the name of humbling the human-race into its rightful place of being a slave to mother-nature and that we should not fuck with it. The good news is, that to depict the human element, Edwards has recruited some top talent that are actually worth watching no Ferris Bueller.
Then comes the leading male role, as served by the ever popular Bryan Cranston , whom Edwards has gone on record as stating he never saw him in Breaking Bad before casting him! Hopefully, that has you chomping at the bit as much as I am. If you need to research or simply get warmed up, I have a top 5 Godzilla movies for you to enjoy in anticipation of the May release, just over 6 weeks away! One of the highlights of the Heisei resurrection of Godzilla movies, G v KG is one of my favourite of the Monster battle royale type movies and is packed full of great action.
Destroy All Monsters Return of Godzilla aka Godzilla 85 Following a decade-long hiatus, this is the first Godzilla movie of the Heisei rebirth also known as the Versus series. Yes, he pretty much turns up, destroys shit and threatens world peace. This provides an interesting sub-plot, as Japan unleashes a new flying weapon known as the Super-X to disperse the monster, whilst the Russians panic into launching a nuclear missile him! Interestingly enough in the US re-edit the Missile appears to be deliberately aimed at Tokyo instead!
Nice bit of Cold-War politics playing havoc with the edit there. This film features the most aggressive and perhaps most scary version of the monster in all of the films to date and whilst not as charmingly campy as some of the older movies, it has some satisfying action sequences and improved effects over its predecessors make it a real landmark film in the mythology. Yep, Godzilla… the indestructible force of nature, dies in the movie. The film is the most sentimental of any of the series that come before it, featuring Godzilla and Godzilla Jr fighting a monster that was spawned from the man-made Oxygen Destroyer that took down the original Monster in Gojira.
Anyways, the action in this film is quite brutal and witnessing the death of Godzilla will be a very hard image for any fan to take. That said, the film ends beautifully with the death of Godzilla and his energy transferring over to the dying little Godzilla Jr, who then becomes empowered and sets things up convenient for the Millennium Series, starting with Godzilla Gojira comes less than 10 years after the original Atomic Bomb attack on Hiroshima and really prays on the insecurities of a paranoid and fearful nation. I can only imagine it was pretty terrifying. There are no other monsters involved and the film takes a very serious tone, unlike anything that came after it.
Really it should be reviewed entirely separately from all other Godzilla movies as its intended purpose is much different. The suit operator regularly fell ill to heat exhaustion and they would often lose tremendous amounts of weight during the filming of the initial Toho series, talk about suffering for your art! However the weapon threatens the existence of life on Earth at the same time creating a perfect analogy to the nuclear disaster that Japan had only recently experienced.
Gojira is the most standout film of all the series and if you have to watch only one Godzilla film before Godzilla , I recommend you enjoy this. I love going to the cinema to watch movies. I am surrounded by movies. Lately, however, a disturbing lack of decorum and basic cinema-going etiquette has been showing up in most all of my screenings. In other words, it seems that a lot of people have forgotten what is and is not acceptable cinema-going behaviour.
I immediately turned back around and left. I re-entered about 5 minutes later, after about six other people had gone in, to find those six scattered about the place… and a sheepish looking couple sat in the back corner of the screen. And this is without even mentioning my friend, Jackson, going to a Spring Breakers screening last year and witnessing a bunch of self-absorbed teenagers giving each other blowjobs yes, in the cinema, not the film, before you make the obvious joke, James. Contain your animal instincts until you get home.
The rest of us have to sit in those contaminated seats and walk on those sticky floors. Normally, I would more than advocate your usage of a mobile or smart phone during the advertisement stage of the pre-movie experience after all, nobody has ever willingly paid money to be sold to… well, excluding those who just bought Metal Gear Solid V: However, advertisers seem to be one step ahead of our cunning plans to avoid being sold to and are now rewarding us for using our phones in the pre-movie segment.
No, I am completely against that! Hang around outside until the ads are done or listen to music on your iPod instead! As for when the film starts: Life will go on fine without you for the two hours you dedicate to watching a film.