I was so sure it was going to happen last night. The contractions were coming every fifteen minutes or so, Luke and I walked around our apartment complex to jiggle the baby up, and I bounced my ass off on the birthing ball; plus, ten minutes before bed I proceeded to have a nesting panic attack so severe that Luke mopped our floors and took out the trash for me. Because suddenly everything seemed filthy.
This morning we woke up and took another walk. I vaccuumed the shit out of our apartment, bleached our sinks wearing gloves, don't worry , and did several laps on the stairs in our building. When Luke comes home for lunch, we'll do some more walking, but in the meantime, I'm watching A Very Brady Christmas in hopes that the awfulness of the dialogue, wardrobe, and continued abuse of Alice if she's really a houseguest, why not encourage her to get out of that damn uniform?
Seriously, this movie is terrible. Between Carol's thinly veiled "let's do some business together" sex talk, Mike's pairing of a watch and a bracelet on the same wrist I really can't stand jewelry on men , Greg's selfish wife who refuses to visit the Bradys for the holidays this year because her favorite aunt will be in town, EVEN THOUGH they've been to her family's house for Christmas the last two years , Marcia's whiny, jobless husband who has no qualms sharing their dismal financial state in front of their two bratty kids , and Peter's willingness to sleep with his boss but not make her an honest woman because she makes more money than he does, I haven't a clue as to why I look forward to watching this drivel year after year after year.
Will I ever be in a financial situation that can justify spending four hundred dollars on a purse? Hey, our soap dispenser is almost out. I wonder which Bath and Body Works pump I should put out next: Country Apple or Warm Vanilla Sugar? Also, you are a bitch and totally deserved to have the back of your skirt cut out at the Saturday night dance.
Am I the only person who remembers the sequel to this movie? Who was it that the divorced sister hooked up with in that one? Mitch has every right to be mad that his ex-wife is prancing around in his bathrobe while he's meeting with his fiancee and wedding minister. Where the fuck does she get off punching him? Did Julie Andrews ever have long hair? Mary Poppins doesn't count, that was totally a wig. I wish handsome boys delivered telegrams to MY house and then twirled me around in a gazebo in the rain.
Damn network television and their edits for clouding my original impressions! Tonight, Luke and I had a fun time trying to time my latest round of Braxton Hicks contractions , which were sometimes strong enough to inspire my breathing exercises but never regular enough to merit real concern. I did get one hell of a foot massage out of the deal, though. Bath and Body Works lotion! Such a lucky woman, am I. Have you been watching The Office this season, and if so, what do you think so far? Luke and I have been huge Office fans ever since we discovered the show during its season two run; every episode is guaranteed to withdraw at least one heartfelt guffaw from each of us.
Michael's stupidly painful yet unfortunately, still very boss-like antics! It's all too much! At the end of season three, when it appeared that Jim and Pam were attempting to make a go of things, we both cheered. And at the beginning of season four, when we saw their relationship wasn't going to dominate the show's entire story arch, we breathed a sigh of relief.
Now, I'm not sure how I feel. The show is still very funny, but at this point it's kind of The Dwight and Angela break-up is interesting, but it's not picking up fast enough for me. Jim and Pam are adorable, but I'm getting some very strong "Ross and Rachel season three" vibes--you guys know what I'm talking about, right? When Rachel went from being a waitress at Central Perk to a fashion executive at Bloomingdale's, and Ross got all iffy, and now Pam's trying to shed her receptionist shell to pursue leads in graphic design, and Jim's all iffy?
Branch out a little, NBC writers, is all I'm saying. This may come as a shock to you guys, but I'm a picky eater. Despite the Mexican genes I've inherited from my father, it's a miracle I even eat tacos. But steak fajitas are the best. As far as Italian food goes, same thing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, am I right? Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because the focus is so simple: No worries about decorations or presents, and most everyone gets to enjoy a lovely four-day weekend without having to lose a vacation day.
I can't ever remember having a bad time. Memories that stand out include a broccoli fight shared between my mom and one of my aunts when I was eleven and the first time Luke and I spent it together in Prior to that we were usually apart for the actual meal on the actual holiday, so finally being able to share that with him was extra special. If it's strange you want, I also have a lingering memory of a Beverly Hills, episode that aired on Thanksgiving, probably when I was in middle school. I never did see the whole thing, but Brandon was hanging off a cliff.
Anyone care to fill in the blanks for me? Luke and I will be leaving for the much-anticipated Tori Amos concert in three hours, and I've been sitting in front of the computer all day, half working from home, half indulging on clips from General Hospital that highlight the tumultuous love triangle between Jason, Liz, and Lucky , and Liz's giving birth via emergency c-section to Jason's baby but passing him off as Lucky's, and then the baby being kidnapped, and then Liz and Lucky getting in the middle of a nasty divorce, and Lucky trying to take Jake away from Elizabeth under the guise of "custody strategy," and I've cried three times because I keep thinking about what would happen if I had an emergency c-section and died and Luke and the baby had to be without me.
I haven't even showered yet. Last night was spent in a whirlwind attempt to finally put our dishevled apartment back together, catch up on five episodes of All My Children , and finish one of the blog books I'm reading for class. I was on the verge of high-fiving myself when the taco I had for dinner decided to resurface, and I spent the last twenty minutes before bed rinsing out the toilet seat cover and bleaching the sink, all while Luke slept like a baby. Also, a random AMC note for those who watch: Is anybody else digging the new Greenlee?
The character's a total biotch, of course, but the replacement actress they found is actually doing a decent job. Meanwhile, I continue to hate Ryan Lavery with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Just because Greenlee is the reason that Kendall was impregnated with Ryan's sperm doesn't mean she has any "moral claim" to Spike, seeing as she abandoned her gestating BFF the minute she found out Kendall used her own egg because Greenlee's were destroyed in a city-wide blackout and Ryan's sperm was thawing and there was no time to collect more of Greenlee's eggs and Kendall was terrified that Greenlee would kill herself because Ryan had faked his death by driving off a cliff and she wanted his child more than anything in the world, even though Ryan wasn't into kids at the time and actually had a vasectomy but sneaky Greenlee stole his sperm from a fertility clinic, which was donated back when Ryan first came to town and needed cash.
The nerve of some people. I had officially become a statistic, and I hated that. It wasn't my fault! I didn't want kids; never had, and definitely never will. Yet here I was, an expectant mother. But would I stay that way? I wasn't a fool; I knew my options. A baby was definitely not on my list of accomplishments this year. I couldn't do it. I had to get rid of my kid--I mean, the fetus. This poor girl can't get a break. I don't know if I have the heart to snark on her. Well, one thing was for sure. I wouldn't be able to go and have an abortion.
The doctor would call my parents faster than I could say [your mom! Ha, I did it! Don't doctors have to say those things? I wasn't certain, but I didn't want to find out. What a lazypants she was. I'd have to do it myself. I was planning to end a human life, on my own. My tears flowed, and for once I couldn't stop them. Shaking, I walked into my parents' room and grabbed the bottles off my mother's dresser.
I examined the contents and labels. Sedatives, sleeping pills, anti-depressants It suddenly hit me that my mother was emotionally unstable, probably had been for years. I'd be OK in the end. I popped open the lid to the sleeping pills and only took one. Right now I needed rest. I'd plan everything out later. I swallowed the pill and curled up on my parents' bed, trying to drown out of my head the consequences of my decision.
Even lil' Frema knew that was a cop-out on behalf of the writers. So, in the instances when you're too icked out for words--and trust me, folks, it gets icky--at least commend this youngling for her literary bravery. When I awoke, I felt groggy, unaware of everything. My head felt as heavy as a truck, and it hurt. I felt a distinct movement in my stomache. I got up slowly and fumbled around until my hand found the lightswitch. The room was filled with light, and I had to close my eyes.
I let the wall support me as I slid down to the floor. When I opened them, Shannon was kneeling next to me. I blinked my eyes. No one else is here. We have to talk.
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It'll have to wait until--maybe, in a few days--". What do you do besides veg out at home and isolate yourself? Nothing, and I'm sick of it. Tell me what's wrong. Who the hell do you think you are talking to me like that? Or I was until you showed up. Suddenly I felt bad. She was only worried about me. She had no idea what was going on. My best friend saw my body loosen up, and she opened her arms. I accepted, and her embrace was tight. It's a good thing; otherwise I know I would've fallen.
It's like they're lesbians without benefits. My mother wouldn't care, and she knows that. She was waiting in the kitchen; I grabbed two of each pill and stuck them in my pocket. The rumble in my belly was painful. Before I left, I checked on Lucas. He had an old photo album on his lap. I sat down beside him.
We stared at the TV screen as Mike kissed Carol before he left for work. She works in the morning, or she's asleep from the night before. Mom won't help me with my math. I got an 'F' on a big test yesterday. And you act funny. You're staying at Shannon's, aren't you? I nodded, and he grabbed my arm. I hate being alone! I cradled him in my arms. God, I felt awful for going. She's already a better mother than Jenna and Kayla combined. I brought the next--the last! We sat on Shannon's bed in silence.
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell her that it wasn't her, but I couldn't tell her the truth. I didn't mean to take it out on you. I don't want to think about it anymore. Thankfully she let it drop. We ate pizza and painted our nails. I caught up on gossip, but my heart wasn't into it. Illegally and brutally possessive. Of her poor, innocent body. That's why you've been like this. There was nothing you could do.
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In the bathroom, I clutched the six pills in my clammy hand. I glanced in the mirror, only I didn't see me. I saw a little girl of about four or five. Her golden hair was in piggy tails, and her smile revealed shiny white teeth. Her eyes, however, had no pupils. If that's the case, Jenna's been having a grand ole time these last few years. Also, from this description, I can't stop picturing Cindy Brady. And the brat wasn't even cute! Damn lil' Frema and her references to sixties-era television. I don't feel good. Stop, momma, I'm in here! The little girl was gone. I was alone in my reflection.
Do you feel trapped and alone? If so, take the wire hanger away from your vaginal canal and call the toll-free number at the bottom of your screen. God gave you to me on accident. I'm returning you to Heaven, that's all. We're still friends today; she even stood up in my wedding. Lucky for lil' Frema that her first initial fit in with the whole "K" theme she's got going on.
Back in my friend's room, we turned off the lights and put on a movie. All the while my stomache churned, my head pounded, and my tongue felt too thick for my mouth. As the room started to fade, I started to panic, and for the first time I thought about the possibility that I could die. I would've deserved it. So, now that we're seeing more of Shannon, which celebrity do you think should play her?
Let me know in the comments, and I'll find a picture of the one who collects the most votes. Also, there are only fifty-three pages left until the end of the sequel. There is no part three, and I'm still not sure what to do. Parading around my bedroom in front of our full-length mirror, marveling at the lessening gap between my gut rolls, I couldn't stop gazing at myself, couldn't stop rubbing my belly.
I've taken the tests, I've heard the heartbeat, I've lost my dinner more times than I can count, and yet, it was like discovering I was pregnant for the first time. Like, oh my God, something is totally growing inside of me. And since I'll be at the mall anyway, new underwear. My pants fit fine, but the skivvies are cutting off my circulation. When will Victoria's Secret wise up and start a maternity line? Lunch is getting harder and harder to plan for, as soups of all textures and flavors currently turn my stomach and frozen dinners and sandwiches sound as appealing as chunks of cardboard, so I've been trying to make do with apples, nectarines, yogurt, and a Ziplock bag stuffed with pickles until it's time to go home.
This afternoon I broke down and spent five dollars and ten cents on three cheeseburgers, an order of mozzarella sticks, and a small fry from White Castle, but two bites into my second burger Freke sent a stern message via my digestive tract advising me to make wiser choices in the future.
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Can this really be a child of mine? Next thing you know it'll be jonesing for seafood. I love this baby, but not that much, you know? I've also been busy pouring through potential texts for my blogging class this fall, as you can tell by the endless list of Amazon links on my About page. I didn't take any education classes in college or grad school, so teaching is brand-spanking new to me, and I'm terrified I won't have enough material to keep my students engaged for two and a half hours a week for thirteen weeks.
Worse, I'm afraid my tendency to stumble over my words and talk too fast in front of large groups will give these undergrads the impression that I'm a complete and total idiot. And I'm not, I promise you I'm not, no matter what your mom might tell you. Inquiring minds want to know. Let's see, what else can I blab about? Luke and I are still waiting to see a two-bedroom apartment on hold for us within our complex, an apartment that's been vacant since May 13th but for some reason still isn't presentable enough to view. Whether it's this unit or another one, though, we are set to move on the last weekend of the month, and every few days or so one of us questions our decision.
On one hand, we can get rid of a few items in our current place and find room for a crib and a Pack 'n Play, but on the other hand, wanting to have a kitchen table isn't that outrageous a desire, is it? On one hand, it'd be nice to save the extra ninety-five dollars a month a bigger apartment will require, but on the other hand, how long can two adults and a baby live in square feet without somebody requesting a divorce or parental emancipation? Round and round and round we go with the whole discussion until we realize that we just plain want the extra space because car seats and strollers and dressers and cribs can't be stored in our hall closet, so we are moving and that's the end of that.
Of course, too much space could also be an issue, as evidenced by the movie First Born starring Elisabeth Shue, which Luke and I rented and watched on Monday night. I'm a sucker for films revolving around demon-baby plots, and since the DVD's cover art featued an upside-down cross in the title and a tagline of "Stay away from the baby," I thought for sure I'd hit the supernatural jackpot. Only not so much. The movie is centered around a couple of ritzy city-dwellers who find out they're with child and move to the suburbs, in a house larger than your local Dominick's, to provide a safe environment for their budding family.
Elisabeth Shue goes into premature labor after tripping over rocks in her lawn and receives an emergency c-section. The nurse who shows her how to breastfeed tells her "it's all downhill from here. She accidentally locks herself in the basement while her daughter cries in her crib upstairs. She runs to the store and forgets to take the baby into the house. The doctors she contacts for help cut off the ends of her sentences.
She finds an abandoned doll on the subway and takes it home, but it has a hard time staying in the same damn place. And through it all we're led to believe Elisabeth's Shues troubles might be caused by spirits in the new house or a manipulative witch masquerading as a kindly, elderly baby-sitter.
In the end she buries her baby in the backyard, thinking it's the doll, so my bet is on post-partum depression. Probably not the best flick to see when you're one week away from your second trimester. We should've gone with Fast Food Nation. Because after I came home from work on Friday, bawled on my couch for ten minutes for reasons I could barely explain to my own husband, and satisfied my flair for the dramatic with a non-negotiable daily dose of All My Children , all was right with the world. Luke made pizza for dinner, and we watched some Law and Order , and then we spent the rest of the night taking turns on the Wii, he with the newest Legend of Zelda game, me with a download of the original NES Ninja Gaiden, which, may I say, is much more fun to play on the Wii because the hard drive will save your progress.
Which means I can continue to try my hand at beating the multi-armed samurai featured in the first world of the fourth level until the end of time. Saturday was spent doing much of the same, so much of the same, in fact, that neither one of us hit the showers until five o'clock. Luke passed out a few hours later while I warped back in time to the year , the year I discovered the first, the best, the video-game-princess-I-love-more-than-life-itself Zelda , whose graphics are refreshingly one-dimensional and music is catchier than any chart topper on contemporary radio.
I couldn't put down my controller until four pieces of the triforce were charged to my care. For intellectual stimulation, we watched Thank You for Smoking fantastic and the last few episodes of Big Love I can't believe I have to wait a freakin' year before the second season is over and available on DVD to find out if the families will be driven out of Utah for their now publicly polygamous ways and how Margie's pregnancy affects her status with the other two wives, who currently treat her like a five-year-old preparing for her first day of kindergarten on a daily basis.
Also, I still think Nicki's a bitch, but it was really cool to watch her stand up to Barb's sister, and she actually looked very pretty for the "Beehive Mother of the Year" awards ceremony. I didn't leave our apartment for the entire day. Luke ventured out to the supermarket in the morning, for cinnamon rolls. Our Sunday was equally glorious. We purposefully showered before noon so we could go out to lunch and see a matinee screening of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End , which I thought was a lot of fun and much more worth my money than Spider-Man 3 ; good thing, too, because by the time the lights went up Luke and I were already engaged in a full-fledged sprint to the bathroom, which caused us to miss a pivotal scene that aired after the ending credits and is rumored to tie up a few loose ends in the plot, which means we will probably see it one more time before the conclusion of its theater run.
We ended our day with dinner, dishes, and bills, the latter two chores being mine, and it was a pleasure doing both because Luke has been so good about keeping up on things around here while I moan on the couch, and the dishes were the result of steak and roasted potatoes and I wanted to show my appreciation for his hard work in the kitchen. Also, it was the first time since this whole "morning sickness" started that I actually approached our bills with vigor; as I write out checks and balance our register, I'm always reminded of how lucky we are that we can meet our financial obligations and still put a respectable portion of our earnings into our savings account.
So basically it took me three paragraphs to tell you that I'm feeling much better, and it can only go uphill from here, as Luke and I are leaving on Friday morning for a four-day romp through western Michigan and Mackinac Island, home to the best fudge on Earth. This trip is most likely going to be the last one we take before the baby's arrival, and by George, we're going to make every second count.
Somehow, it seems, through no official planning on my own, Wednesday has become our time--the Internet's time--for which I retreat from the worn spot on my couch to bitch to you about the insignificant melodramas that make up my life. I don't like coffee, but I did just gulp down half a glass of orange juice. What's your beverage of choice this evening? Pre-pregnancy Frema would be so proud of her bad-ass self for finally keeping her hands out of the Ben and Jerry's, but pregnant Frema is hoping the weight loss will justify the second-trimester cravings she plans on fulfilling the minute she can tolerate foods other than grapes, strawberries, select flavors of yogurt, toast, lemonade, Minute Maid juice boxes, and certain kinds of pizza.
No milk, unless with cereal. No Cheerios or Fig Newtons. Luke made bacon sandwiches for dinner last night, one of my very favorite foods ever, and I had to force it down. I don't think I've ever eaten so little in my entire life, and that includes my stint with Weight Watchers. My household is definitely ready for the first trimester to be over. In the meantime, I regularly consult the five-dollar, cheapie Wal-Mart mirror in our bedroom hoping to pinpoint physical evidence that a condition other than an eating disorder is taking over my body, but there's still nothing visible to the naked eye, no matter how many times the well-meaning accountant at work compliments my stomach rolls.
That's just my gut. The weird thing is that even though I've lost weight, my pants are somehow eating up all the extra space that should exist between my hips and theirs. Work slacks are fine because the material is stretchy, but jeans are another story. Pair that with a fro that's weeks overdue not to mention weeks away from a hair cut and a face that can't bear the feel of make-up and you have one smoking woman.
The face thing is my fault, seeing as I've stopped taking my acne meds because I can only swallow so many pills in one freakin' day and have reduced the application of the topical creams to once every morning. I don't even brush my teeth before going to bed anymore. I'm afraid of my gag reflex.
The icing on the cake? I had to schedule a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning because it burns when I pee and there are undeniable signs that a yeast infection is camped out in my nether regions. To wrap things up, I want to thank those of you who've sent in assvice stories thus far. I had originally hoped to post one on Monday, because these gems must be shared with the world, but you know, that would've interfered with the whole laying-on-the-couch master plan, so next week, definitely. Plus, I have plans to blog tomorrow!
Two days in a row! It has to do with the graceful way I announced my pregnancy to my boss last week. Just in case you were wondering if it'd be worth it to check back. Holy crap, this entry was posted for eight seconds before I realized I forgot to talk about American Idol. Can anybody tell me what the hell Blake is still doing on this show? He has yet to belt out a tune but gets away with changing all of his songs into cookie-cutter techno recordings. And the judges eat him up, even Simon. At this point, I don't even know who I'm rooting for.
Melinda's great, but I don't think her sound is modern enough to sell albums. LaKisha is too diva-like, and Jordin is good but occasionally resorts to cutesy tactics on stage that irritate the shit out of me. What to do, America? Geez, with only sixteen minutes left to Weight Loss Wednesday, you'd think there was bad news to report. But actually, I did myself proud. Once on Saturday night while enjoying my long-awaited Sex and the City marathon, and once the night before at a quaint little pub with Jessi, a blog reader who works and attends law school in Indianapolis.
I was so nervous about meeting someone whose sole perception of me was based on meticulously crafted entries and goofy pictures that almost always involve Photoshopping some of the acne off my cheeks, so afraid I'd look like an asshole when referencing something from my blog, as if I assumed people had nothing better to do then commit my archives to memory, but the minute I laid eyes on her happy smile outside the Aristocrat in Broadripple, I immediately relaxed and let myself be carried away by good conversation. Which lasted two hours.
It was that awesome. Plus, I felt a little like a rock star when we would delve into a new topic and she knew exactly what I was talking about, like when we were swapping stories about old boyfriends and I'd said only a few words about my second one before Jessi was like, "Oh, when you were Trophy Frema?
Did you have a similarly awesome experience? The Bible reading is becoming harder to keep up with, despite my intentionally leaving the Good Book in plain sight on the nightstand instead of tucked away on a shelf halfway across the room, but I still manage to get my time in more often than not. And I still enjoy it and feel like I've learned a lot. However, the absence of AMC from my daily routine is almost impossible to bear.
No, I haven't cheated, thanks so much for your faith in me, that is, unless you count desperately flipping through soap mags in the check-out aisle at Target as cheating, which I don't, because I totally didn't learn anything about whether or not Krystal's had her illegitimate baby, Tad knows his own son is unknowingly of course playing daddy to the long-lost daughter he once thought died in utero, Babe's fake death has been brought to light, or Kendall is still carrying hottie Zach's child.
Easter Sunday will indeed be a glorious day, because in addition to celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, I'll also be reprogramming my VCR to record channel six every week day at one o'clock eastern standard time. Let us rejoice and be glad. On a related note, Carrisa asked me last week why I decided on AMC as my Lenten sacrifice, which was a perfectly valid question; after all, boycotting daytime television doesn't eliminate disease or help the poor or even make a difference to anyone but me.
I really wanted to pick something, though, that hit me where it hurt, and if you had any idea how much time I spent catching up on episodes, lurking on message boards, and combing through character bios, you'd know that by the time Lent rolled around this year I was on the verge of obsessed. For my own peace of mind, I wanted to know that I wasn't as dependent on such a shallow form of entertainment as I thought, and when times got tough, I tried to remember how insignificant my sacrifice was when compared to what Jesus did for us, even though it was an insanely important part of my life.
I love the history and the characters and the laughable plots and the inappropriate wardrobe choices made for Susan Lucci how many times did she wear strapless dresses in November, girlfriends? How about the rest of you fellow Lenten observers? Are you happy with the choices you made regarding your own Easter sacrifice? If in fact you gave anything up in the first place; I know not every Christian denomination does this. How did you do? What did you learn? Let's show 'em some love, shall we? Deal or No Deal.
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It was on tonight. And during the first sixty minutes? It was a blessed, blessed thing. Although wait, my dad is a lieutenant for the Chi-town fuego department, so that might be weird very nice. Even better was the twenty-four-year-old Hot Dog on a Stick employee who was pulled from her usual routine of squeezing lemonades and refilling ketchup bottles to win sixty-two thousand dollars.
Apparently Shell had been with the hot dog place for nine years. She didn't have any children to support, and her arms and legs bore no evidence of track marks , so I'm not sure which events in her life led to the questionably long tenure, exactly, but I'm hoping her newfound wealth provides her with ample motivation to give them notice, buy a suit, and snag an interview with a more upscale establishment, like, I don't know, Barnes and Noble. Then she could afford a copy of Suze Orman's Women and Money and really make something of her life.
Secondly, you can all sleep soundly tonight, for yesterday I finally succumbed to the gods of the gag-me-with-a-spoon genre and watched The Notebook. My sisters love The Notebook. My friend Trina hung up on me when she found out I was watching it because she felt guilty about keeping us apart. And when Silly Hily learned via Google Chat that I found the movie for a measly four bucks last Christmas, bought it, and then returned it for a refund, she said--and I quote--"If I knew you in person and saw you on a regular basis, I would beat you the next five times I saw you.
Two hours later, I was quietly sobbing over my corned beef and cabbage leftovers, because Jeez Louise, who wouldn't cry at the thought of a dying old woman suffering from Alzheimer's who can't recognize her own husband, a man who has nothing better to do than read aloud scribbles from a college-ruled, tattered journal?
If Luke hadn't chosen to join me for the last ten minutes, I could've gone all out with the yelling and pulling out of my hair, but in an effort to maintain some semblance of dignity, I conjured up a scene from an early episode of Scrubs , the one where Bob the dementia patient randomly tackled various hospital staff out of nowhere while shouting, "Who am I?! It was really funny. Seriously, though, I'm a sucker for tales of gut-wrenching misfortune. Like the time a few years ago, when I was flipping through the channels at my parents' house and ended up using the belly of my sweatshirt as a hankerchief because there was a movie on Lifetime in which an entire town was reeling from a hurricane slash flood slash tornado slash any other natural disaster you can think of, and an elderly couple and their adult children were loading onto a small boat to head for safety because said natural disaster was on its way back any minute, and the mother said she couldn't do it, couldn't leave the house her father had built with his own two hands to be carried away by the ravenous appetite of the Earth, so the father decided to stay behind and drown with her, and the adult children floated away on their life raft, while the couple stood frozen with fear in their living room, clutching to each other while swirls of water danced around their ankles.
Even though my entire knowledge base for this small-screen masterpiece had been accumulated in fewer than eight minutes, my eyes were blurry with tears, and I felt like the spirit of the Lifetime Network had captured my heart and slurped out its essence with a straw, because the love, it was REAL, people. And the couple's impending death? Well, that just fucking sucked. I also remember losing it over Go Towards the Light , another made-for-TV movie, about a little boy who was diagnosed with AIDS, and if you're looking for a good reason to hiccup into your pillow at two o'clock in the morning, just imagine a mother holding on to her son while he takes his last, ragged breath, encouraging him to--you guessed it--go towards the light.
Go ahead, read the quotes. If you can make it to "My heart took a picture" with a dry face, there's simply no hope for you or that withered vessel you call a soul. The Notebook was good. Young love and social prejudice always make for a fun time, and I adored Rachel McAdams's forties wardrobe, and Ryan Gosling's house rocked the casbah, and the sex scenes Well, let's just say I wouldn't mind replaying the extended versions in my head on those nights when Luke is out of town.
Or running to the store for milk. But ultimately it was one predictable cliche, starting with Noah's insistence that Allie lay in the street with him because she needed to do something for herself for once, or something. However, I do have a soft spot for How To Make An American Quilt , which documents the life of a young Winona Ryder as she prepares to marrry, gathering anecdotes from the women in her life about their own romantic hardships and struggles with love.
Just like the old couple dying in the flood, I cried because the characters' histories felt so real to me, so true, and at the tender age of fifteen, it was impossible to fathom that one day I would have a love story, a history to share with other women, and my own lessons to share. Last night Luke and I were plowing through the aisles of Super Target, accumulating items scribbled onto our first shopping list of the month, and it was within the first ten minutes of our entering the store that my loyalty to The Spreadsheet was tested.
We were strolling through the electronics section searching for possible gift ideas for my brother-in-law when, through a series of red-and-white sales tags strategically positioned at eye level, the TV kiosk announced that every season of Sex and the City was available for an impressive twenty bucks a pop. I gasped and clutched at my heart over the wool of my pea coat, so excited that I thought Luke was going to have to fetch the eyeballs that had just somersaulted out of my head.
My fingers reached up to caress the case for season three, as I already have the first two and the second half of season six purchased in a frenzy almost two years ago when Luke's VCR missed the last ten minutes of the series finale on TBS ; the unedited unfolding of Big and Carrie's extramarital affair could be mine, all mine, for the price of Women and Money , Suze Orman's latest book, purchased the night before at Barnes and Noble.
Plus, I am a woman and I have money. It's like Suze wrote it just for me! However, making a decision about the DVD was more difficult, because you see, Luke and I only allotted fifty dollars for miscellaneous spending this month, and my upcoming hair cut in Chicago will cost exactly that much with tip, so I was already kicking myself a little for buying the book but figured the difference could be offset through thriftiness in other areas of our budget.
The cost of the DVD coupled with the hair cut would definitely leave March in the red. There was one possible solution to this dilemma that would allow me to walk away with the book, the DVD, AND the hair cut: Yes, I realize how selfish I am for hoarding our miscellaneous dollars for frivolous indulgences, but Luke made out like a bandit for his birthday last month, and I have already directed the appropriate prayers to God asking for guidance in being a better wife.
Together, the three of us have it covered.
So, there they were, my two choices, each one threatening equally horrific consequences. Do I restock my ISO products and forfeit the chance to add to my sorely lacking Sex collection when I know damn well the next big sale might not be 'til I'm thirty-eight years old, or do I subject my hair to the pooptasticness of Garnier Fructis so I can spend my free time picking apart Charlotte's first husband? It's unfair for any woman to find herself in the throes of such polarizing circumstances, and I hope it never happens to you, Internet ladies, because either way, such a woman is going to suffer.
Of course it was all for naught, because when I came home and examined March's budget I found that seventy-one dollars and ninety-one cents had been unaccounted for. While I had the camera out and about, for some reason I felt it necessary to document proof that I really am trying to be more budget conscious. I bought a new one last October , at a point when I thought this puppy was days away from crapping out on me, so imagine my surprise that the powder is still holding its own as I rub my cotton ball in circles over the metal face for ten minutes, determined to squeeze every last drop from a foundation that costs twenty-one fifty.
If I wore make-up more often, it would've been retired to the garbage can around Christmas, but as I fight with various dermatological products to finally get my acne under control and weep over the massive afro poof that has become my hair, I haven't really been in the mood to subject myself to further prettification. I'm counting on you, Brenda , is all I'm saying. Well, our free two-week trial with Blockbuster Online is officially over. Our first monthly payment of ten dollars and fifty-nine cents was charged to our Visa on February 25th, but do you know how many movies we saw in February?
This is record-breaking for us, and reason enough to establish a permanent love affair with ordering films online. It all started on the thirteenth when we received the eagerly anticipated Click which was very good and even made me cry a little. After we'd had our fill of Adam Sandler shenanigans, we brought it to our local Blockbuster chain because online mailers double as coupons for free rentals in the store, which is how we came across The Illusionist highly recommend , which in turn held us over until the first two episodes of Big Love arrived while Luke was away on business.
That weekend we returned The Illusionist and used the Big Love mailer to score The Grudge 2 , which I feel obligated to inform you was not a good decision. Meanwhile, our account had been credited with an e-coupon for a free rental just for signing up with BB online, so we redeemed it for A Sound of Thunder , another questionable choice but Edward Burns was kind of cute so it wasn't all for nothing.
On Tuesday we received Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby , and that movie is so damn hysterical we had to watch it twice. So yes, this newfangled idea of renting online is working out splendidly, mainly because we're not limited to renting online and we keep getting coupons for additional rentals. Some of the thirty-five titles currently stored in our queue include The Departed , Lady in the Water , Adaptation which I first watched for a screenwriting class in grad school and can't wait to see again , Proof , Fantastic Four , the first season of , and The Notebook.
Speaking of notebooks OMG, what a fantastic segue , we are down to the last fifteen pages for the first serial of Tragic Love Friday. Next week will showcase the final installment, and then it's on you guys to come up with a really hysterical summary for this tale of questionable morals and unbridled passion. Not only will you be performing a huge service for potential part-two readers, but you'll also score yourself an opportunity to relive the days when Brenda Walsh ripped holes in the knees of her jeans and Brian Silver's cousin accidentally killed himself wearing a cowboy hat or something.
What about that sentence isn't appealing? Some of you expressed concern over the guidelines I laid out, but really, don't pay them any mind. Just summarize the story as you remember it. You're also allowed to team up with other bloggers to present The Mother Of All Summaries, but then it's up to you to figure out what to do about the DVDs, because dudes, I love you, but not enough to contribute seventy dollars of goodness to the World Wide Web when I'm stuck renting it all online. A few hours had passed since I made my decision. We were just about 3 miles from the Illinois border.
The area was deserted. Michael pulled over and parked near a cornfield. He squeezed my hand. I fed Katherine some formula, then Mike and I ate a little lunch. It won't be a great experience for me, either. I've grown to like the little tyke. She squealed with delight. It's scary when you think about it. Why don't you sleep in the backseat with Katherine, and I'll sleep at the wheel.
You sleep back here, too. That's what angels do," I teased. Now's not the time to quibble over job descriptions, Jenna. Katherine was asleep in my arms. It would have made a pretty picture. At this point the poor boy's balls must be bluer than the sky. I was pacing back and forth in my cell when the officer who was handling my case, Officer Kujak came barging in. A Kujak could carry his own show, don't you think? She was already back in Chicago by then. I've got to notify the Wisconsin police. Now I've got to go. This kind of exchange happens in Lifetime movies all the time.
I grabbed his arm desparately. But I have to be there when you find my baby. You can cuff me, gag me [hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me], whatever! We were gone in 5 minutes. Please don't hurt her, Jenna, I thought as we drove to Wisconsin. If my baby's OK, I can forgive you. He checked his watch. We should be there by 6: I woke up from a fitful sleep at around six.
I had gotten up twice to change and feed Katherine, letting Jenna sleep. She needed it more than I. Michael's like a single dad, only with no actual children! I got out of the car and stretched. The sky was shades of pink and blue. Such a beautiful setting, such a sad situation. In the car, my love stirred. I saw her sit up and blink her eyes sleepily [probably rolling Katherine onto the floor in the process]. I went to take the baby from her [See?
He knows she can't be trusted] and motioned her to join me. She sat on the hood of the car, hugging her legs to her chest. She was so beautiful. Tell her, tell her! Jenna shook her head. One less mouth to feed! She looked thoughtful; thoughtful and sad, too. Things are too different. Never ever go away You can do it! You're my best friend. I love you, Jenna. I'm in love with you, and I need you here with me. How would she react? I secured Katherine in jackets and blankets in the backseat, and I left the car door open [so someone else could kidnap her?
Then I grabbed Jenna's hands and gazed into her eyes intensely. I think I fell in love with you the first day I met you. You're the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night. It hurt so much when you were pregnant with David's child, because I wanted you for myself. I leaned closer until her face was inches from mine. My hand reached to caress her cheek, and I kissed her again, only with more passion. Soon, she was in my arms.
Titles in ComicBase 11
Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of my neck. I kissed her forehead, and her eyelids. I don't want anyone kissing my eyelids. I shouldn't have mentioned death. She stiffened and pushed me away. Can't you see that? Tears sprang to my eyes. I need to know! Just please don't hit me again! Love hurts too much! David said he loved me, and then he went to Kayla! This is the police! I repeat, put you're hands where I can see them! During our conversation [read: Jenna, looking terrified, did what I did.
And now it's all over for me. Except for two more quotes from Talladega Nights , because really, so hilarious. I knew a loss was coming. After pledging to stop binging for Jesus exactly seven days ago, I've been stepping on the scale every other morning in anticipation of Weight Loss Wednesday, looking for proof that my efforts weren't in vain. Apparently my Lord and Savior is a more effective motivator than being able to button my pants.
There's so much to talk about, and I've been meaning to blog every day since Monday, but for some reason the words aren't coming like I want them to. This is good news for Luke , who gave up cookies for Lent. Also, how evil are the Girl Scouts for scheduling their deliveries after Ash Wednesday? The progress hasn't been huge--turning down a third slice of pizza is grand, but it's still pizza, and dude, two slices!
To make my ten-pound goal more attainable, I'm setting several mini-goals to help me get there. If I'm successful, I'll have lost my first five pounds since moving forward with this whole "Fitness Schmitness" attitude last November. Well, it would've been five pounds; either way, I'm counting it as a big deal, seeing as my lowest weight thus far's been And if that happens, there will most definitely be a picture, which might be scary for all of us, seeing as I'm three weeks overdue for a hair cut. March 10th can't come fast enough. In regards to my Lenten commitments, I've been doing well in that department, too.
Last Tuesday I deleted the Monday-through-Friday recording of All My Children from my VCR and took my New American Bible down from its dusty spot on my bookshelf, placing it on top of the cheapie plastic filing cabinet next to my nightstand on top of Christopher Pike's Spellbound , which I found at Half-Price Books for a quarter and am just now reading for the first time, OMG so that I'm more likely to pick it up before bed.
So far I've touched on the first couple of chapters in Genesis and the beginning of Matthew's gospel including the introduction , and for the first time, I feel like I'm really thinking about the life Jesus lived and what he went through before he died.
Also, with all the religious exploration I've done in the last year, I'm more interested in studying this Good Book as a historical text. I used to think the Bible was just the Bible--one universal table of contents, one agreed-upon translation--when really each denomination embraces a particular version and all of these versions have nuances unique to their sect and oh my gosh, it's a miracle Christianity survived when we all can't even agree on the same damn manual. Anyway, let's move on to the AMC thing, which, let's face it, is probably what you're really most interested in.
Logistically speaking, the not-watching part of it hasn't been hard; since I'm not taping it, and I don't have cable, and not having cable means not having SOAP NET, there's no way to cheat on that one unless I make the twenty-five minute commute back home to plop on my couch and catch up on Zach and Kendall's progress with the Satin Slayer seriously one of the dumbest storylines this show has ever done but I still want to see Alexander Cambias, Senior brought to justice in real time.
And since making two round trips to work five times a day would put a serious damper on my gas budget, there you go. Giving up the message board, however, hasn't been as simple. Before last Wednesday, I was checking that puppy at least three times an hour, reveling in the latest batch of spoilers and enjoying discussions on controversial plot points, like whether or not Krystal carrying Tad's baby and passing it off as Adam's is just as detestable as her helping Babe keep Bianca's baby for ten months, allowing Bianca to believe that Miranda drowned in a river minutes after her birth close, but the "your baby's dead" thing still wins.
I enjoy reading episode threads maintained by various posters and the lively commentary they provide. Those people have no idea who I am, but lurking on that site has been a fun way to stay connected with a show that in fast became my favorite form of escapism. As fellow AMC junkie Dawnie can attest to, committing to a daily program is no easy task; forty-five minutes a day isn't too bad, but when you miss Monday's episode, you spend the length of a movie catching up on Monday and Tuesday.
Miss Monday and Tuesday and you're going to start your Wednesday two hours and fifteen minutes in the hole. So this boycott, it's been a good thing. Though I was flipping through the entertainment section of the paper yesterday and accidentally glanced at the weekly soap update. Nothing was revealed I didn't already know, but still, it was enough to peak my interest. AMC , what have you done to me? In other news, today is the last day of the first month of Luke's and my new budgeting system.
This morning I saw my general practitioner for the second time in seven days to see how the urinary tract infection I've been suffering from all month responded to the antibiotics. While everything appears to be in tip-top shape, I'm still running to the bathroom every eight seconds, so he prescribed a second round of meds to treat any lingering effects. UTIs are nothing new to me; I've gotten at least one a year since my sophomore year in college, most likely due to the fact that I don't get thirsty very often, I'm afraid a liberal intake of fluids will result in bathroom overload, and I hate the logistics of leaving my office, marching down the corridor, and going through the whole depants-pee-handwash routine twelve times a day.
Of course, this eventually guarantees that I'll leave my office, march down the corridor, and go through the whole depants-pee-handwash routine twelve times a day, only with a sharp pain in my bladder and a heightened sense of urgency. My plan, she's not working so well. Besides abandoning artifical birth control last year, this is the biggest step I've taken to acknowledge that I hopefully some day will become a mother. For some reason, it's freaking me the eff out. Any suggestions of questions to ask when putting these MDs in the hot seat? My much-anticipated Big Love season one, disc one DVD came in the mail on Tuesday and I popped it in last night, as Luke is away on business and completely uninterested in watching the life of a closet polygamist unfold on the small screen.
Thirty seconds into the opening credits I already loved it, knew it would be a work of art, and spent the next two hours learning about the marital interworkings of Bill and Barb, Bill and Nicki, and Bill and Margene. Fatal Mistakes Special Armageddon Patrol: Re-Animator Army of Darkness: Ashes 2 Ashes Army of Darkness: Tasty Treats As Told By Fall Aspen Seasons: Spring Aspen Seasons: Summer Aspen Sketchbook Aspen Splash: Local Heroes Astro City: Live From the Moon Astronauts in Trouble: Agent Roster Athena Inc.
The Beginning Athena Inc. Spring Break Massacre Authority, The: Human on the Inside Authority, The: Jingle Hell Authority, The: More Kev Authority, The: Death Trap, the Vault Avengers: Galactic Storm Avengers Icons: The Terminatrix Objective Avengers: The Ultimate Guide Avengers: Ultron Unleashed Avengers United Avengers: X-Men Backstreet Project, The: Mischief Night Bad Kitty: Do These Toys Belong Somewhere? Brotherhood Of The Bat Batman: Cover to Cover Batman: Gotham County Line Batman: Journey into Knight Batman: The Complete History Batman: The Man Who Laughs Batman: The Monster Men Batman: The Order of Beasts Batman: War Games Batman 3-D Batman: Mad Love Batman Adventures, The: A Lonely Place of Dying Batman: Anarky Batman and Dracula: Sub-Zero Batman and Robin: The Official Adaptation of the Warner Bros.
A Word to the Wise Batman: Bane of the Demon Batman: Book of the Dead Batman: Bride of the Demon Batman: Castle of the Bat Batman: Trail of the Gun Batman: City of Light Batman: Collected Legends of the Dark Knight Batman: Dark Knight Dynasty Batman: Dark Knight Gallery Batman: Dark Knight of the Round Table Batman: Death and Glory Batman: After the Fire Batman: Face the Face Batman: Family Batman Family, The Batman: Four of a Kind Batman: Gordon of Gotham Batman: Gotham by Gaslight Batman: Gotham City Secret Files Batman: Cry for Blood Batman: Hush Double Feature Batman: I, Joker Batman Illustrated Batman: Vendetta In Gotham Batman: League of Batmen Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight: Master of the Future Batman Masterpieces Batman: No Law and a New Order Batman: Nosferatu Batman of Arkham, The Batman: Our Worlds at War Batman: Partners in Peril Batman: Lake of Fire Batman: Reign of Terror Batman Returns: Room Full of Strangers Batman: Scar of the Bat Batman: Seduction of the Gun Batman: Shadow of the Bat Batman: Son of the Demon Batman-Spawn: Sword of Azrael Batman: Claws of the Cat-Woman Batman: The Cent Adventure Batman: The 12 Cent Adventure Batman: The Blue, the Grey, and the Bat Batman: The Book of Shadows Batman: The Dark Knight Batman: The Dark Knight Adventures Batman: The Dark Knight Archives Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Batman: The Doom that Came to Gotham Batman: The Dynamic Duo Archives Batman: The Golden Age Batman: The Golden Streets of Gotham Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: The Last Angel Batman: The Long Halloween Batman: The Mad Monk Batman: The Many Deaths of the Batman Batman: The Official Book of the Movie Batman: Motion Picture London Editions Batman: The Sunday Classics Batman: The Ultimate Evil Batman: Two-Face Strikes Twice Batman: Vengeance of Bane II Batman: Jason Battle of the Planets: Manga Battle of the Planets: Mark Battle of the Planets: Saga of a Star World Battlestar Galactica: Search for Sanctuary Battlestar Galactica: The Compendium Battlestar Galactica: Night of Beauty Beauty and the Beast: Reed Richards Before the FF: Spicy Adventure Bettie Page: Krazed Komics and Stories Beyond the Wardrobe: Burnt Cain Bill the Bull: Batgirl Birds of Prey: Manhunt Birds of Prey: Revolution Birds of Prey: The Ravens Birds of Prey: Krigstein Sampler, A Blab!
Series Black Panther Vol. The Sketch Files Blacksad 2: Pale Little Spider Black Widow: The Coldest War Black Widow: Sins of the Father Bladesmen, The Blade: Vampire Hunter Blair Which? The Spying Game Blonde, The: Bondage Palace Blonde, The: The Story of Ryan Blood Legacy: Seeds of Sin BloodRayne: Plague of Dreams Bloodrayne: Absolute Beginners Blue Monday: Painted Moon Blue Monday: Chinatoon Bogie Man, The: Shattered Lives Books of the Dead: Special Edition Books of Lore: Storyteller Books of Lore: Plague of Frogs B. The Soul of Venice B. Is There Nothing Sacred? Angel Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Food Chain Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Giles Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Haunted Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Jonathan Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lost and Found Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Oz Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Reunion Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Ring of Fire Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Origin Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bloodhunter Cabinet of Dr.
Cinderella on Fire Caliber Presents: Generator Comics Caliber Presents: Hybrid Stories Caliber Presents: Petit Mal Caliber Presents: Romantic Tales Caliber Presents: Sepulcher Opus Caliber Presents: Something Inside Caliber Presents: The Brotherhood Call of Duty, The: The Precinct Call of Duty, The: Bicentennial Battles Captain America: Dead Men Running Captain America: The Otherworld War Captain America: Red Menace Captain America: Return of the Asthma Monster Captain America: Sentinel of Liberty Captain America: Sentinel of Liberty Novel Captain America: The Legend Captain America: The Movie Special Captain America: Deathshadow Rising Captain Harlock: The Fall of the Empire Captain Harlock: The Machine People Captain Harlock: The Original Television Scripts Capt.
Becky Sunshine Carnal Comics: Chessie Moore Carnal Comics: Christina Angel Carnal Comics: Jade East Carnal Comics: Kendra Jade Carnal Comics: Kylie Ireland Carnal Comics: Lilli Xene Carnal Comics: Marilyn Star Carnal Comics: Melissa Monet Carnal Comics: Nicole London Carnal Comics: Roxy Rider Carnal Comics: Tabitha Stevens Carnal Comics: Tammi Ann Carnal Comics: The Inside Story Carnal Comics: Tiffany Mynx Carnal Comics: Tracey Adams Carnal Comics: Tyffany Million Carnal Comics: Victoria Paris Carnal Comics: Alicia Rio Carnal Comics: Anna Malle Carnal Comics: Brittany Andrews Carnal Comics: Bunny Bleu Carnal Comics: Christi Lake Carnal Comics: Hyapatia Lee Carnal Comics: Jeanna Fine Carnal Comics: Jenna Jameson Carnal Comics: Jill Kelly Carnal Comics: Julia Ann Carnal Comics: Kimberly Kupps Carnal Comics: Legends of Porn Carnal Comics: Letha Weapons Carnal Comics: Lisa Ann Carnal Comics: Nici Sterling Carnal Comics: Mistress of Dreams Carnal Comics: Porn Star Annual Carnal Comics: Official Film Adaptation Carnal Comics: Rebecca Bardoux Carnal Comics: Rebecca Lord Carnal Comics: Sahara Sands Carnal Comics: Sarah-Jane Hamilton Carnal Comics: Taylor Wane Carnal Comics: Dream Into Action Catfight: Escape from Limbo Catfight: Crooked Little Town Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham Catwoman: The Dark End of the Street Catwoman: Odyssey Cavewoman One-Shot Cavewoman: The Hunters Celebrity Celestial Alliance: Judgment Day Celestial Mechanics: Dupe Chaos Effect, The Chaos!
Chronicles Chaos Effect, The: Alpha Chaos Effect, The: Epilogue Chaos Effect, The: Lust for Life Chastity: Reign of Terror Chastity: Song of the Surfer Chosen One, The: Front Line Civil War: Opening Shot Civil War: Devilworlds Classic Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Classic Star Wars: Mall Security Cleopatra Clerks: Cybernetic Liberation Front Click! Knockout Code Name Ninja Codename: Death Covered In Gold Conan: Return of Styrm Conan: River of Blood Conan Saga Conan: The Lord of the Spiders Conan: The Skull of Set Conan: Rune Conceptions Concrete Concrete: The Human Dilemma Concrete: Fragile Creature Concrete Jungle: The Legend of the Black Lion Concrete: Short Stories Concrete: The Turning Confessions of a Teenage Vampire: The Hellblazer Collection Constantine: Ballad of the Salt Sea Corum: Dark Origins Coven, The: Fantom Coven of Angels Coven: The Classic Years Creepy: City of Angels Crow, The: Dead Time Crow, The: The Lost Chapter Crow, The: Waking Nightmares Crow, The: Thicker Than Blood Cthulhu H.
The Whisperer In Darkness H. Part 1 Cyber City: Part 2 Cyber City: The Prophecy Dallas McCoy: Marooned on Mercury Dan Dare: Operation Saturn Dan Dare: Danger Comic Media Danger Girl: Back in Black Danger Girl: Ace in the Hole Dan Turner: Dark Star of Death Dan Turner: Hollywood Detective Dan Turner: Homicide Hunch Dan Turner: Star Chamber Dapiek Absaroka: Frank Miller Daredevil vs.
Love and War Daredevil: Abattoir Daredevil Chronicles, The Daredevil: Marked for Death Daredevil: The Target Daredevil vs. Death Dreams Dark Angel: Godzilla Dark Horse Classics: King of the Monsters Dark Horse Classics: Dark Empire Dark Horse Classics: Flesh and Blood Darkness, The: Holiday Pinup Special Darkness, The: As Deep As Dawn: The Return of the Goddess Dawn: Batman DC Comics Presents: Flash DC Comics Presents: Hawkman DC Comics Presents: Last Sons DC Universe: Protectorate Dead 17 Dead 17 2nd Series Dead Blood of Saints Dead Rough Cut Dead Doing the Islands with Bacchus Deadface: Earth, Water, Air, and Fire Deadface: Series Deadpool Team-Up Deadpool: Bits and Pieces Deadworld Chronicles: The Dead Killer Deadworld: The High Cost of Living Death: Storm of the Century Decoy: Extra Credit Deicide Deity Vol.
Lords of Night Demonslayer: Path of Time Demonslayer: Eye for an Eye R. Trial by Fire R. And Away We Go! Send Hussein to Hell! Banners of Gold Desperadoes: Quiet of the Grave Desperate Times Vol. Tales Detective, The Detective, The: The Collins Casefiles Dick Tracy: The Early Adventures Dick Tracy: Saddam Dictators of the Twentieth Century Series: Hitler Die, Monster, Die! Diebold Die-Cut Die-Cut vs. An Illustrated Guide Dinosaurs Attack! Dangerous Acquaintances Dirty Pair, The: Run from the Future Dirty Pair, The: Sim Hell Dirty Pair, The: Curse of the Fire God Doc Savage: Doom Dynasty Doc Savage: Manual of Bronze Doc Savage: Doctor Who Graphic Novel Dr.
Giggles Doctor Gorpon Dr. Radium and the Gizmos of Boola-Boola Dr. Radium, Man of Science Dr. Master of the Mystic Arts Doctor Strange: Sorcerer Supreme Doctor Strange: The Montesi Formula Doctor Strange: What is it That Disturbs You Stephen? Watchstop Doctor Weird Dr.
The Inside Story Doctor Who: The Legend Continues Dr. Wonder Doctor Zero Dr. Ground Zero, The Domination Factor: Phantom of the Audience Dominique: Protect and Serve Dominique: Journey to Oz Dothenridge: Double Impact Lingerie Double Impact: Art Attack Double Impact: China Special Double Impact: From the Ashes Double Impact: Hot Shots Double Impact: Hot Shots Collected Double Impact: One Step Beyond Double Impact: Raising Hell Double Impact: Suicide Run Double Impact: Lord of the Undead Dracula: The Lady in the Tomb Dracula: The Classified Files Dragonfire: The Early Years Dragonfire: Dressed for Success Drew Struzan: Crisis in Raimiton Dungeons and Dragons: In the Shadow of Dragons Dungeons and Dragons: Where Shadows Fall Dungeon: The Dark Mirror Saga Eagle: Helen Adams Keller Eduardo Risso.
Ghost of a Chance Elementals: Kings of the Broken Wheel Elfquest: Siege at Blue Mountain Elfquest: The Grand Quest Elfquest: The Searcher and the Sword Elfquest: Sailor on the Seas of Fate Elric: The Bane of the Black Sword Elric: The Vanishing Tower Elric: Hunger of the Flesh Embrace: Trancemissions Enchanted Enchanted Vol.
War Idyll Enemy Ace: Swamp Thing Essential Vertigo: Series Eternals Sketchbook Eternals: Digital Alchemy Eternal Warriors: The Immortal Enemy Eternal Warriors: The Ruins of Kunark Everquest: Returns Evil Ernie Chaos! Evil Ernie Eternity Evil Ernie: Baddest Battles Evil Ernie: Pieces of Me Evil Ernie: Straight to Hell Evil Ernie: Straight to Hell French Evil Ernie: The Lost Sketches Evil Ernie: The Resurrection Evil Ernie vs. The Super Heroes Evil Ernie: Sword of Power Excalibur: The Sword Is Drawn Excalibur: Extinction Starring Crybaby Extinctioners Extinctioners: Tales of the Endangered Extinction Event Extra!
First Family Fantastic Four: House of M Fantastic Four: Redemption of the Silver Surfer Fantastic Four: The Making of the Movie Fantastic Four: The Movie Fantastic Four: Atlantis Rising Fantastic Four: First Family 2nd Series Fantastic Four: Into the Breach Fantastic Four: The End Fantastic Four: The Legend Fantastic Four: The Trial of Galactus Fantastic Four: X-Men Fantastic Giants Vol.
The Black Cat Felicia: Rayda the Cyberian Connection Femforce: To Die For Femforce: Night of the Demon Femforce: The Claw Femina Two: Dogs of War Fighting American: Limited Convention Special Fighting American: The Iron Saint Firefighter! Faster Friends Flash, The: Iron Heights Flashmarks Flash: The Crystal Shard Forgotten Realms: The Art and Artists of the Notorious s E. Or the Modern Prometheus Frankenstein: Wrath of the Wendigo Frost: Quagville Furry Ninja High School: Joe Comic Book Vol.
Joe Data Desk Handbook G. Tim Seeley Sketchbook G. Misassembled G-8 and his Battle Aces Gabagool! The Cloud of Balthus Garth: The Women of Galba Gasp! A Christmas Caper Gen London, New York, Hell Gen Ordinary Heroes Gen13 Rave Gen The Unreal World Gen Get Lost Get Lost Vol. Innocence Ghost in the Shell 2: Human-Error Processor Ghost in the Shell 2: Man-Machine Interface Ghost in the Shell: Starring Spidey Giant-Size Ms.
Jane GI Joe Vol. Joe and the Transformers G. Joe Comic Book G. Joe Comics Magazine G. Joe Convention Special G. Joe European Missions G. Joe in 3-D G. Master and Apprentice G. Joe Order of Battle G. Joe, a Real American Hero G. Joe Special Missions G. The Hunt for Cobra Commander G. Body Heat Girl Presents: The Rule of Darkness Girl: Tales Give It Up! The Dark Gnat Returns Gnatrat: Abraham Lincoln Graphic Nonfiction: Alexander the Great Graphic Nonfiction: Christopher Columbus Graphic Nonfiction: Elizabeth I Graphic Nonfiction: George Washington Graphic Nonfiction: Harriet Tubman Graphic Nonfiction: Julius Caesar Graphic Nonfiction: Richard the Lionheart Graphic Nonfiction: Sitting Bull Graphic Nonfiction: Spartacus Graphic Violence Graphic Classics: Ambrose Bierce Graphic Classics: Arthur Conan Doyle Graphic Classics: Edgar Allan Poe Graphic Classics: Rafael Sabatini Graphic Classics: Ghosts and Poltergeists Graphic Mysteries: The Bermuda Triangle Graphic Mysteries: African Myths Graphic Mythology: Chinese Myths Graphic Mythology: Egyptian Myths Graphic Mythology: Greek Myths Graphic Mythology: Mesoamerican Myths Graphic Mythology: Roman Myths Graphic Shakespeare: King Lear Graphic Shakespeare: Destroyers of the Dead Gravedigger: The Longbow Hunters Green Arrow: Dark Tomorrow Green Hornet, The: Dragon Lord Green Lantern: Emerald Allies Green Lantern: Emerald Dawn Green Lantern: Emerald Knights Green Lantern: No Fear Green Lantern: Our Worlds at War Green Lantern: Legend of the Green Flame Green Lantern: The New Corps Green Lantern: The Road Back Green Lantern vs.
Devil By the Deed Grendel: God and the Devil Grendel: Devils and Deaths Grendel Tales: The Devil Inside Grendel: The Origin Gundam Wing: Blind Target Gundam Wing: Showgirls Are Forever Gun Fu: Bad Trip Gunsmith Cats: Bean Bandit Gunsmith Cats: Mister V Gunsmith Cats: The Final Revenge of Evil Ernie. Private Eye Hairbutt the Hippo: Butch Hammer of God: Pentathlon Hammer of God: Hammer Hits China Hammer of Thor: The Hammer and the Cross Hammer, The: The Outsider Hammer, The: Adapted Stories Hard Time: Bloodshed Hari Kari Hari Kari: Goes Holywood Hari Kari: Sexy Summer Rampage Hari Kari: The Beginning Hari Kari: Idol Dreams Harlequin Pink: The Bachelor Prince Harlequin Violet: Blind Date Harlequin Violet: The Broken City Havoc, Inc.
Hawaiian Dick Hawaiian Dick: